Move Over Polyamory — Soft-Swapping Is the New LGBTQIA+ Buzzword

If you’ve been hanging around LGBTQIA+ spaces — or even just scrolling queer TikTok or Reddit — you might’ve heard the term “soft-swapping.” And no, it’s not just another buzzword. Soft-swapping is a real thing; it gives people the freedom to explore boundaries without going full throttle into an open relationship.

According to a 2023 survey by Ashley Madison, 59% of Gen Zers want an open or polyamorous relationship. This could result in an increase in couples who enjoy soft-swapping or other adventurous sexcapades. The phenomenon has even made its way onto screens. In Hulu’s reality series,”The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives,” the couples openly talk about how soft-swinging changed their marriages.

Online, #softswapping is blowing up on TikTok, where countless couples are sharing boundary talk tips, firsthand stories, and scene prep routines. Creators break down everything from safe word setup to post-swap check-ins. Let’s break down what soft-swapping is, and whether it can be harmful or conducive to a healthy relationship. 

What is “soft-swapping?”

Soft-swapping sits between making out and penetrative sex. Couples — or small friend groups — exchange prolonged kissing, sensual touching, and even oral play, but they draw the line at intercourse. “Soft-swapping is a form of consensual or ethical non-monogamy (ENM) where a couple explores sexual play with other couples, or within a community of other couples,” explains sex educator Emma Hewitt per Pride. “It’s like swinging but with clear boundaries: penetrative sex is off the table.”

A classic soft-swap night starts with boundary talks and safe-word agreements. Partners slip into playful foreplay together, then rotate turns with a third party or another couple — kissing, mutual massage, and oral exploration — before regrouping for cuddles. “Couples prefer ‘soft swap[ing]’ when they are newer to the scene because it keeps some of the boundaries they’ve established,” swinging expert Claudia Aguirre told Men’s Health. 

Is soft-swapping conducive to a healthy union?

When both partners approach soft-swapping with curiosity and respect, they can build stronger trust. The experience invites vulnerability — partners openly share their needs and respect each other’s boundaries. It also creates space for playful exploration without feeling too “locked in.” For anyone considering soft-swapping or simply wanting to start the conversation, relationship expert Nicole Moore recommends leading with honesty.

“Start by reassuring your partner that you’re not wanting to leave them and that you’re happy with them,” Moore told Pop Sugar. “Explain that soft swinging is something you think might enhance the intimacy, not take away from your existing connection.” 

But soft-swapping isn’t a cure-all. Misaligned expectations can lead to hurt feelings if one partner assumes “just making out” means more. “Establishing rules ahead of time is the safety mechanism to ensure the soft swinging helps your relationship grow in intimacy instead of damaging it,” Moore emphasizes. 

However, if you and your partner can make it work in your marriage, experts say soft-swapping can add a spark, in a good way. “You feel like your marriage or primary partner relationship is intact, and [other sexual experiences are] extra icing on the cake,” said Carolanne Marcantonio, LMSW, and co-founder of Wise Sex Therapy Associates, in an interview with Women’s Health.

Do you think soft-swapping can actually strengthen trust in a relationship, or does it open the door to too many complications? Comment below!