BY: Singleton
Published 5 months ago
While society has made significant advances in technology and education, love and relationships remain complex. Love is often described as patient and kind, but risks can also arise under the guise of love, especially in romantic situations. Loving relationships require communication and trust, and trouble in these areas can lead to a relationship’s demise.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, which raises awareness of abusive and toxic relationships. The word “toxic” has two definitions: poisonous and “very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way.” Couples, throuples, and other types of romantic relationships face a range of issues, and these issues can escalate from bad to downright toxic. While warning signs may seem obvious to outsiders, they are different for those in the relationship. Toxicity comes in all shapes and sizes, so what are the signs of a toxic relationship?
The Most Obvious Signs of a Toxic Relationship Are Controlling and Abusive Behaviors
As previously mentioned, controlling and physically abusive behaviors are clear and cut signs of a toxic relationship. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 29% of women and 10% of men in the United States have experienced sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking in their relationships.
According to Psychology Today, “there are many types of abuse in relationships, and with covert or passive-aggressive abuse, it can be difficult to tell if a partner is being abusive or just behaving badly.”
Abusive people often use both verbal and physical violence to exercise control over their partners, dictating when and where they can go and who they can see, which often isolates victims from friends and loved ones. Abusers typically follow a cycle of abusive behavior, then appear contrite and promise it won’t happen again, only to repeat the abuse. This method of isolation and control often lowers a victim’s self-esteem and keeps them in the relationship; it’s a form of manipulation that makes it difficult for victims to recognize they are being abused.
Psychological Abuse Also Includes Manipulation and Keeping Score
Verbal abuse is not the only form of psychological negativity in relationships. Manipulation and “keeping score” are also harmful behaviors. By using specific tactics to get what they want, the person exercising control in the relationship can maintain that control. One well-known form of manipulation is gaslighting, defined as “psychological manipulation of a person, usually over an extended period of time, that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories.” When someone is gaslit in a relationship, their sense of reality becomes altered; they become confused and may feel like they’re “going crazy,“ which increases their dependency on the person victimizing them.
“Keeping score“ is another form of manipulation. “[Keeping score is] a pattern where one or both partners keep a mental tally of each other’s actions, often leading to feelings of resentment and imbalance,“ according to relationship professional Lindsay Walden. While keeping score may not sound severe, it can lead to resentment and shame when one partner keeps score while the other does not.
Narcissism, Disrespect, and an Imbalance of Power Can Create Toxicity In Your Relationship
In Greek mythology, Narcissus was a man who fell so deeply in love with his own reflection that he drowned trying to get a closer look at it. Narcissism is incredibly toxic and is often masked as confidence, making it difficult to spot in relationships. A narcissistic partner thinks only of themselves, often taking validation from their partner and providing little or nothing in return. They may even belittle their partner to boost their own self-esteem. Some narcissists take this further, believing they are superior to their partner, creating a power imbalance.
From the outside, it may seem unthinkable that a victim would stay in a toxic relationship. However, people who have been diminished and unknowingly victimized often don’t realize they are being mistreated. Even if they recognize the power imbalance, they may feel too powerless or afraid to leave.
Society often shames victims for staying in toxic or abusive relationships, and the fear of judgment can be a powerful motivator to hide their pain. Heterosexual men frequently face shame for being abused by a female partner, and women are often blamed for becoming victims, regardless of their partner’s gender. Until victim-blaming ends, countless people will continue to keep their struggles hidden.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
