Britney Spears returned to Instagram on Thursday to share “a little secret.”
In a lengthy Instagram post on Thursday – her first since she spoke out in court on Wednesday and advocated to end the conservatorship she has been under for 13 years – the pop star apologized to fans for faking happiness on social media over the past two years.
“I just want to tell you guys a little secret ? … I believe as people we all want the fairy tale life and by the way I’ve posted … my life seems to look and be pretty amazing,” Britney said, explaining that a happy life is something “we all strive for,”
She went on to explain she had learned that habit from her mom, Lynne Spears.
“That was one of my mother’s best traits … no matter how sh-y a day was when I was younger … for the sake of me and my siblings she always pretended like everything was okay,” Britney said.
Bringing this up was important for Britney, she said. “I don’t want people to think my life is perfect because IT’S DEFINITELY NOT AT ALL,” Britney wrote. “And if you have read anything about me in the news this week ? … you obviously really know now it’s not !!!!”
“I apologize for pretending like I’ve been ok the past two years,” Britney said. “I did it because of my pride and I was embarrassed to share what happened to me … but honestly who doesn’t want to capture there Instagram in a fun light ?????? !!!!”
Britney added that “pretending” on social media “has actually helped.”
Her words came in the caption of a photo of a young girl holding a teddy bear and running through the woods, which was matched with a quote she attributed to Albert Einstein that read, “If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales.”
“I decided to post this quote today because golly, if you’re going through hell … I feel like Instagram has helped me have a cool outlet to share my presence … existence … and to simply feel like I matter despite what I was going through and hey it worked,” she wrote.
She signing off on a positive note, telling fans, “I’ve decided to start reading more fairy tales ?????? !!!!!”
At Britney’s virtual hearing on Wednesday, the “Toxic” singer addressed her social media presence in a statement to Judge Brenda Penny, explaining that her posts – which often show her in good spirits – are a “lie.”
“I’ve lied and told the whole world I’m OK and I’m happy. It’s a lie,” she said. “I’ve been in denial. I’ve been in shock. I am traumatized. Fake it ’til you make it, but now I’m telling you the truth, OK? I’m not happy. I can’t sleep. I’m depressed. I cry every day.”
“I just want my life back,” she told the court, in her 30-minute speech. “It’s been 13 years, and it’s been enough. I want to be able to be heard. I’ve kept this in for so long – it’s not good for my heart.”
“I’ve been so angry and I cry every day. For my sanity … I need to get it off my heart. The anger, all of it,” she added.
A source told PEOPLE earlier on Thursday that Britney had been “very nervous” to speak in front of the judge, but that she was “very grateful that she was allowed.”
“This is her life and she wants big changes,” the insider said.
Britney’s father, Jamie Spears, was appointed Britney’s conservator in 2008 after she underwent two involuntary psychiatric evaluations.
In a November 2020 court hearing, Britney’s lawyer told a judge that she was “afraid of her father” after the judge declined her request to make Jodi Montgomery her permanent conservator.
Jamie stepped down as his eldest daughter’s permanent conservator in September 2019 due to “personal health reasons,” and Montgomery took his place. Britney filed court documents last summer stating that she is “strongly opposed” to her father returning as sole conservator of her affairs and finances and “strongly prefers” Montgomery “continue in that role as [she] has done for nearly a year.”
Last month, Judge Penny ruled that Bessemer Trust Company will continue to be co-conservators along with Jamie, rejecting objections from Jamie’s legal team over how the co-conservatorship would be delegated.
The future of Britney’s conservatorship remains unknown.
During the hearing Wednesday, Britney was not questioned by her conservators’ lawyers, nor have they had the opportunity to rebut her allegations in court. As stated by the judge on Wednesday, Britney still needs to file a formal motion to end the conservatorship.
Jamie’s attorney Vivian Lee Thoreen did address the court on Wednesday to share a statement from her client “[Jamie] is sorry to see his daughter in so much pain,” Thoreen said. “[He] loves his daughter and misses her very much.”
On Thursday, Spears’ boyfriend, Sam Asghari, shared an Instagram video of him and the pop star riding in a private jet. He didn’t provide any details about where they where they were headed, but the couple appeared to be in high spirits.