People got way too much time on their hands, they are trying to kidnap Santa because Dr. Fauci said he’s immune to Covid.
Dr. Anthony Fauci has issued a message of calm for anyone worried that Santa Claus, who is indeed a very real person, could potentially be spreading something more than mere cheer this holiday season.
Speaking with USA Today last week, Dr. Fauci assured everyone that Mr. Claus is “exempt” from pandemic concerns.
“Santa is exempt from this because Santa, of all the good qualities, has a lot of good innate immunity,” Dr. Fauci said, adding that—despite Mr. Claus’ presumed status of being high-risk due to factors like age and weight—he’s “not going to be spreading any infections to anybody.”
While surely a comforting assessment to receive from someone with such a caliber as Fauci, many were quick to allow their responses to this “innate immunity” claim to fully blossom into outright plotting and scheming and whatnot. As always, we have assembled a selection of such commentary with the utmost care and attention, as seen below:
capitalism never rests ?? he said u gon GET these kids their presents or ELSE https://t.co/1sHx4DKXWE
— sarah lugor!! (@sarahlugor) November 21, 2020
*nicolas cage cocking gun*
i’m gonna steal santa’s blood https://t.co/LB9lw4IPkk
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) November 21, 2020
— Jim Caddick (@Caddicarus) November 21, 2020
Santa deniers take another L https://t.co/OU8WPQSWZC
— Chairman Xi Jinping (@Real_Xi_Jinping) November 21, 2020
Let’s fucking kidnap Santa and extract the cure from his veins. Drain him. Rinse him out like a flannel. https://t.co/gaOQRe6mnJ
— Dean Dobbs ? (@DeanDobbs) November 21, 2020
knock him from the sky and preserve what's left for science
— JP (@jpbrammer) November 21, 2020
Because of all his little Santibodies https://t.co/GA2NeOrieH
— ya boi steve (@stephenmcmaniel) November 21, 2020
“That’s why we’re offering a $10 million bounty for his capture. I must harvest and study Santa’s blood.” https://t.co/z690egGJjg
— Anthony Carboni (@acarboni) November 21, 2020
Meanwhile 8 elves are dead after an outbreak at the workshop. https://t.co/Q753eysR4Y
— Noam Blum (@neontaster) November 20, 2020
i don't have anything to promote like The Cool Kids. wear your mask OVER your nose
— Courtney @ cool but we still gotta abolish police (@andromedamn) November 22, 2020
In all seriousness, there’s certainly a top-tier movie idea in there somewhere and—as already mentioned by a number of other studious Santa ponderers—any resulting film absolutely must star Nicolas Cage.
As for us regular non-magical folk, the pandemic remains a deeply troubling source of concern. The numbers are looking particularly treacherous as we delve deeper into the holiday season. Stupid fucking idiots, meanwhile, are out en masse ensuring things go as horribly wrong as possible before year’s end.
I feel like there are better uses of Dr. Fauci’s time.