Call Her Daddy: What It Really Means to Be a Lesbian Top

Lesbian culture is more visible than ever, but that doesn’t mean everyone knows the lingo. As more people claim their queerness, the language we use to describe roles and relationships is changing.

According to a 2024 Gallup poll, nearly 7.6% of U.S. adults now identify as LGBTQIA+, and among Gen Z, that number jumps to over 20%. Within that group, an increasing number of women identify as lesbian, queer, or same-gender loving. But even within these communities, there’s still confusion— and a lot of curiosity — about what it means to be a lesbian top.

If you’re wondering if the label fits your vibe, there are some clear traits that often come with it. Let’s break down what it really means to be a lesbian top.

What is a lesbian “top?”

A lesbian top is the partner who typically takes the lead in physical intimacy and relational dynamics. Tops generally prefer to take a more active role in sex by acting as the person who penetrates, gives oral sex, or performs other sexual acts. Autostraddle explains that tops can also just mean someone who prefers to penetrate without kink in the picture at all. And according to the Human Rights Campaign, a lesbian is “a woman who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to other women,” regardless of whether she identifies as top, bottom, or something else.

Tops often take the initiative — whether that means sliding into DMs first, suggesting the next date destination, or reaching out for a kiss. They tend to like being in control, whether that looks like planning weekend getaways, orchestrating relationship milestones, or even deciding who picks the Netflix show on a Friday night. Experts suggest that being a top does not equate to unruly dominance.

“The best tops are emotionally present, patient, and responsive,” sex coach Alicia Newton told Pride. “They care about their partner’s experience, check in without interrupting, and prioritize consent and pleasure. Good tops also know how to create anticipation and adapt in real-time.”

Being direct is another trait many tops share. They don’t leave room for confusion. Tops don’t leave room for confusion. And in intimate moments, they usually occupy the active role — literally or figuratively — enjoying the momentum of leading. Of course, these traits aren’t rigid requirements, but they are common.

Lesbian lingo includes more terms than you’d think. 

Language within the lesbian community includes many descriptive terms. A “bottom” typically prefers the more receptive or passive roles in intimacy, though bottoms can be assertive in other facets of a relationship. Depending on context, “versatile” individuals shift between top and bottom roles.

Gender expressions add another dimension. “Butch” or “stud” often refers to a more masculine presentation, according to the Gender Justice Project. While “femmes” or “lipstick lesbians” display traditional femininity without implying submissiveness. However, femmes can be every bit as assertive and commanding in relationships as any butch or stud.

While anyone can call themselves a top, not everyone’s doing it right. Good tops are about communication, consent, and listening as much as leading.

Have your preferences in intimacy shifted over time? What influenced that change? Comment below!