Dear B. Scott,
I’ve been married now for 4 ½ years and my husband and I have never made love. I really do not know the reason why. He has given me plenty excuses down through the years, from stress to sexually transmitted diseases he may have. Before we were married, we use to talk about sex and how he was excited to do it after we’d jumped the broom. Back then, we used to kiss and have intimate moments (without sex) and that was fine with me, because I believe that sex comes after marriage. He was really affectionate, but it seems that the moment we said I do, it all stopped.
Unfortunately this has caused a strain on our marriage. We have not bonded and I love him, but I’m no longer in love with him. I’ve tried talking to him about this, but I get nowhere. I’m not even allowed to see him naked. As a result, I have resorted to looking at porn. You see, my husband is an elder in the church and I work in the church as well. If I could, I would get out of this marriage yesterday, but I feel trapped because of what our church members would say if we were to divorce. I feel like I give so much to this relationship and don’t get very much back in return.
I’m 46 years old. I feel like a sucker at times, because my husband lied about how old he was before we got married. He told me we was 49, when it turns out he was actually 57. He is not mean nor abusive to me. He is just not trustworthy. I found out that he has 5 or 6 children, and has pretty much denied that they exist. He was not in their lives at all. I crave affection and unfortunately, I’ve started looking in another direction—toward women. This is my second marriage and my self-esteem is at an all-time low. I have packed on 50 pounds because I feel ugly and unwanted by my husband. I just do not know what to do.
Dear love muffin,
Ooh-wee…you’re in trouble, girl!
You have so much going on, I literally have no clue where to start. I can’t in good conscience not share the first thing that comes to my mind — which is you need to leave. Immediately.
It sounds like the entire situation is toxic and has rendered you prostrate. I mean, let’s be honest. The fact that you haven’t had sex once in your entire four-and-a-half year marriage and you’re not even allowed to see him naked is beyond strange, it’s absurd. It’s also very telling.
He doesn’t want to be intimate with you in any way.
Sometimes in life, for whatever reason, you end up in a bad situation. The best and only thing you can do to start the healing process is to remove yourself from the situation at all costs. I would suggest, if at all possible, for you to separate. Go stay with a friend or family member in order to get yourself together so that you can plan a course of action.
You need a whole lot of ‘me time’ to be alone with your thoughts so you can reflect on the years of happiness you’ve lost being in an unfulfilling and loveless marriage.
Don’t worry yourself with what other people might think or say. At the end of the day, your happiness and emotional health should be your number one priority.
Marriage is built on love and trust…and you have neither. So gather yourself, and your things, and leave.
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