Dear B. Scott:
I’ve been a fan of yours for years and admire everything about you. And I really need your help! You see, I’m in a really bad place. About 4 years ago, I met a married man, “Daniel.” I didn’t know he was married until a few months in and when I finally asked the question, he came clean. Long story short: our connection was too strong for me to let him go. Daniel and I were together for 2 1/2 years. We were physical and saw each other several times a month. I had the absolute time of my life while we were together and he taught me a lot about myself.
This went on until I met someone I wanted to date more seriously, at which point I felt my relationship with Daniel was casual enough to let go. Just a few days after I met “Steven,” Daniel and I went to dinner and I told him we need to stop seeing each other so I can explore my options.
Steven is everything you would want in a guy: good looking, has a huge house in a wealthy area, single, has an amazing job and no kids. I felt myself wanting to take the next step with him (kids and marriage). But Steven and I have been together a year and a half and we rarely see each other (once every 3 months and phone calls maybe once every two weeks). It is so hard to be in a “relationship” when I never see or talk to my “boyfriend.” And all of our contact is initiated by me. I really want my relationship with Steven to work out, but I feel like I’m chasing him. I’ve let him know on several occasions that it bothers me but nothing has changed.
For the last few weeks, Daniel and I have been speaking again and he’s heard about how I never see Steven. He knows how much it hurts me and that I’m unhappy. He told me “I miss you. I’ve been thinking about you constantly for the last year and a half. You know I want to spend time with you a few times a month. Please don’t fight what we have.” It literally brings me to tears how strong Daniel feels for me. No one has ever fought so hard to be with me.
I really want to talk with Steven and get my feelings out but unfortunately, I have only been able to reach him via text. I said “Please call me, I’m not okay. I need to see and talk with you.” And still there have been no phone calls and no mention of wanting to spend time with me.
What do I do? I’m so lost and don’t know who to turn to. Haven’t been eating or sleeping
My Dear Love Muffin,
It seems to me like you’re seeking affection in all the wrong places. Let’s start with the first situation. Daniel is married and will more than likely remain married throughout the duration of whatever type of relationship you two have. I understand that the connection between the two of you is complicated, but you must realize that it isn’t ever going to be anything other than complicated.
You’re losing sleep over this man because of how strongly he feels for you. How strongly to do you feel for him? You said yourself that your relationship with Daniel was “casual enough to let go.” Is it? Don’t get yourself caught up thinking that he’s fighting so hard to be with you because at the end of the day…he’s with his wife! Why would he leave his wife when he can have his cake and eat it too? As they say, how you get them is how you lose them. If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you’ll be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
Now, on to Steven. A relationship without contact or communication isn’t a relationship at all. The fact that at this point he isn’t returning your calls or responding to your texts is not only disrespectful, but unacceptable. Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they’ll notice. If they don’t, you know where you stand.
Even though it will be hard, I think you should consider taking a step back from both situations in order to give yourself some time to think and open the door to new relationships. Obviously, these two situations are far from the healthy the relationship you want. Don’t settle for less because it’s available. You deserve more.
Submit your questions now: firstname.lastname@example.org and be sure to tweet us @lovebscott with the hashtag #AskBScott