November 5, 2009 Ask B. Scott: I’m a Confused Lover
Dear B. Scott,
I didn’t know how to send you something, so I decided to send you and email. I need advice, I really like this guy and I have serious feelings for him, but I can’t tell if it’s just lust or the sex talking. I’ve known him for three years now and we’ve had sex multiple times. I think that I care about him and everything, but sometimes I don’t think he feels the same. He sometimes drops hints, but then again he will sometime make me feel like he doesn’t want me and I’m just for sex. I really want to be with him, and when he’s in a relationship I slightly get jealous, but then again he still wants to have sex. I do it and move on with life. But what does that mean. Does it mean he just needs me for sex or does it mean he kind of cares about me? He shows affection at times, and shows that he cares. After all we’ve been through; arguments, me falling out with his girlfriend and me dating a friend of his. He still wants me around. I do things to piss him off just to see if he’s still going to be there and there he is, still standing. And when I dated his friend he acted like he was jealous, like he didn’t want me with him. And when I told him how I felt, his expression was “like I don’t know what to say”. I could always tell when he was hiding something, or lying. And when I told him how I felt, he was hiding something. How can I get him to tell me how he feels? How can I get him to understand how I feel? I don’t know maybe its just lust. Maybe I’m in love with someone who will never love me back. I need advice. Please respond…
Love,
Confused lover
Wow, love muffin! This is by far one of the trickiest situations you could be in. I don’t even know where to start!
Okay, I’ll start here. Love muffin, after years of sexual encounters lust is no longer the term you use to describe your situation! You’re lovers. Whether he chooses to accept that or not, that’s what you are, period. You two have found a comfort zone within each other that allows you to explore your desires with one another, but at what cost? Please think about what pouring your heart out to this man would change and what you want out of your confessions.
The part I’m trying to figure out is why you’re confused. Don’t be a lover of confusion, confused lover! This is the classic case of a man wanting his cake, eating it and licking the plate dry. He will only go as far as you allow him an, so far, you have set no boundaries. Why? Because you love him. The lust of which you speak is a cop out to keep from exposing your truest feelings. Because after you’ve done that what will you have left? Nothing. You’ve been sleeping with this guy throughout his relationships, and your brief relationship with his friend and he always comes back. Why? Because he probably loves you too, but you’ve allowed him to keep you in his friend with benefits zone for far too long, Dearie. Yes, he’s being selfish but what’s his incentive to change if he’s got an all access pass to you and your world? Do you see how this is failing to work in your favor? I hope you don’t feel like I’m being hard on you, but you have to put your foot down and set some boundaries. It sounds to me like you all are friends before anything else so a relationships between the two of you could possibly work very well, but he needs to know and feel his life without you to appreciate your significance to him! Don’t be overly consumed with the fear of losing him either, because after all this time, you should rest assuredly that he’ll return. But be careful what you wish for, do you really want a relationship with this guy?
Love muffin I’m not going to sit here and say, “well, cut the sex off and see what happens.” No. Cut him loose and take some space. You’ll hear me say this often so here it goes again: don’t answer his calls and don’t call him for a while to sort through your feelings and determine where this lovership is going. He’s had all he’s wanted for years and now it’s your turn! Who knows, after you take this time, you may not even want him in your life to that capacity! Maybe it’s time for you to place him in your friend zone. Take the wheel baby girl, this is your life and he should not be in the driver’s seat! Love yourself enough to let it go, and if it’s genuine and real … it will return effortlessly! You’re beautiful love muffin! Let it go.
Hope this helps! Double kisses!
-Love,
B. Scott
Keena
November 5, 2009 at 12:28 pm
This is tricky and I’ve been here before. With me, the guy and I decided that we’re better off as friends and we were right. We’ve been friends over 15 years at this point so we made the right decision (besides years later I can’t believe I ever thought I loved him LOL!!!). I have to agree with B. Scott on this one. You need to pull away from this and decide if what he’s offering is good enough for you. He’s probably waiting on you to show some backbone anyway, being a doormat is never a good look. If you pull away, and he doesn’t “come after” you then you’ve saved yourself some time and you can begin moving on and find what you’re actually looking for. I think Rhianna has given the perfect advice when she spoke about her abusive relationship, “eff love”. Step back and take a look at your situation for what it is. If it’s not working for you (which it obviously isn’t) make some changes. There’s no sense dragging it out, but he does owe you a conversation about his true feelings. Make sure he gives you that, because men are better able to have sex without commitment and if that’s where his head is, then hearing it will help you move on. If he remains a coward and refuses to have it, that’s your answer anyway.
It’s no one’s fault if you two don’t work as a couple. There were no expectations discussed, so there’s no deceit. Learn from this, before you become emotionally invested have a conversation with your partner to see if you guys want the same thing.
Live, Learn and move on (if necessary).
Morgan
November 5, 2009 at 4:49 pm
thankx for replying.. and i understand wat i must do.. and it makes alot of sense… i have to break him off so i can find myself…
much love b. scott,
-morgan
SHEENA
November 5, 2009 at 5:21 pm
I THINK THAT YOUR ADVICE TO HER IS GREAT. SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE HIM ALONE AND GIVE THE “RELATIONSHIOP” SOME SPACE. SHE MAY COME TO FIND THAT SHE IS DONE WITH HIM AND MAYBER SOMEONE ELSE WILL CATCH HER EYE WHO WILL TREAT HER LIKE A LADY AND NOT SOME SORT OF SEX TOY THAT HE PLAYS WITH ONLY WHEN HE WANTS TO. YOU SEEM REALLY YOUNG AND SHOULD JUST ENJOY LIFE. NEVER GIVE UP THE GOODIES UNLESS YOU REALLY LOVE SOMEONE AND YOU KNOW THAT BOTH OF YOU ARE IN A MANAGAMOUS COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. RELATIONSHIPS SHOULD BE YOU AND THAT ONE PERSON NOT HIM HAVING A GIRLFRIEND AND HAVING YOU ON THE SIDE WHICH IS WHAT HE HAS BEEN DOING. GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS. ALSO REMEMBER TO LOVE YOURSELF FIRST AND WHEN YOU LOVE YOURSELF FIRST YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.
SHopaholic22
November 6, 2009 at 1:17 pm
OMG ….. i feel like im reading straight from a page in my life…im in the exact situation, an its been 8 years, we’re best friends [ we were a couple 7 years ago an we've alwayz been close ater , it ended amicably, but i never got over him] but i stil love him. its a whole messed up situation, …. i was thinkin i needed to distance myself from him an find me, but i wasnt sure how to, since we’ve been an integral part of each other’s lives for so long.
i have to leav him alone tho, its gonna b hard but i will never get over him if we remain best friends :’(
DoubleKissex
January 29, 2010 at 1:16 pm
Thankss,ihm ihn thee same situation