Hi B. Scott

I was watching your videos on grieving the loss of your sister. I had seen them before but this time I sought them out in hopes to draw some strength. I just lost my big brother two weeks ago, and I am just beside myself. What hurts the most is that he was so far away when it happened (he was living in San Fran) and he passed away in his sleep. We hadn’t seen him since February, but talked to him on the phone or email. We flew him back to Boston and had our service for him this past Wednesday. And even though in all logic I know that he is in a better place, I am having such a hard time accepting the fairness of it. He was my heart, and I did a speech for him at the funeral, which was supposed to be cathartic, but I am just so devastated, and I don’t know where to begin to put the pieces back together. any advice on how to start?

Dear Love Muffin,

I actually get a lot of emails about grieving the loss of a loved one and, for some reason, I feel the need to address the matter. First of all, Love Muffin, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family behind the loss of your brother, but I also want to applaud you for for wanting to take the strides and make peace with your brother’s passing in such a prompt manner. This is more than I can say for myself. As you know my sister passed away 14 years ago and for so long, I suppressed my emotions, literally bottled them up and stored them for far too long. I didn’t talk about it for ages but when I finally did, I realized it was therapeutic and very helpful in the healing process. It took me a while to confront the loss within myself, which is not a healthy way to deal. My hat is off to you for allowing yourself the time you need to grieve.

I’ll be honest with you, you will never get over the loss. It never really gets better. I thought that with time I would progressively get used to the idea of my sister no longer sharing this earth with me and 14 years later, it still feels like I lost her yesterday. The best way to describe it is like this: it’s like a wound, right? It grows a scab, it falls off, and what’s left? A scar…a painful one at that. So for me, it’s hasn’t gotten better, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of my sister. But you find ways to cope. I would suggest seeking comfort through prayer and the support of your family and friends. It’s something that you will never forget and that you’ll live with for the rest of your life but you’ll learn to manage it with time.

Sadness, anger, guilt and depression are all a part of the grieving process, it’s natural. But I’ll tell you what. My mother still, to this day, tells me to remember not that my sister has passed, but that she lived. Remember the good times with your brother, remember his smile and hear his laugh. Remember how he used to mess with you until your nerves split and how the next day it was like it never happened. Remember him. I’m sorry I really don’t have the answer to this but I do want you to remember this, which also helps me. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that my sister is with me and your brother is with you … just not in the physical. So whenever I feel myself falling into a slump, I know my sis doesn’t want me to be sad or upset and your brother doesn’t want you to be either. This is a hard reality to grapple with so we’ll support each other through this, Love Muffin. I’ll continue to pray for you and your family and please do the same for me.

Hope this helps. Double kisses.

-Love,
B. Scott