THE 
October 22, 2009 Ask B Scott: I Can’t Get Over This Guy
Hi B. Scott!!!
First and foremost let me say that you are amazing and absolutely stunning. My friends and I marvel at your words of wisdom and beauty all the time!!! Well, let me get to the meat of my issue and the reason I’m writing. So I’m very young in fact I’m only a junior in college. I consider myself to be a bright girl with a bright future and just like any bright girl I have a dim boy who I constantly allow to reduce me down to a mere dun-dun-dunt. The story goes like this…we were damn near best friends towards the end of my freshman year and extremely close towards the beginning of my sophomore year and his senior year. We talked for hours on end about any and everything and never had the same conversation twice. I told him once that i liked him and he respectfully and tactfully declined. He then got a girlfriend. In the beginning I respected the relationship and I wasn’t really hurt by his reaction to my confession. However, as time grew on my feelings grew stronger and our relationship took a turn. We started to become more intimate however we never slept together. It was more spending the night spooning, kissing…those sorts of things. I felt incredibly ashamed because I knew he had a girl and I knew he was in fact sleeping with several other girls…but I let the relationship continue because I felt so strongly for him. He of course made it clear a second time that while he felt something it wasn’t as strong as I what I felt and “this was just an opportunity that presented itself” we went through several more tumultuous episodes before he finally graduated. My friends were convinced that he had deeper feelings but was stuck in his childlike ways while I was constantly questioning whether or not he had real feelings. We rarely speak and when we do our conversations are so forced and inorganic. He recently came back in town for homecoming with his new girlfriend (who is GORGEOUS) and my confidence and esteem got a little rattled. This is because when we were close I profusely complimented him while he sprinkled compliments as often as it rains in the desert yet always let it be known when he thought someone else was attractive (it kind of made me feel inferior).I feel like perhaps I should have moved on but I also feel like I still have to be rebuild. I’m so confused and hurt and I really don’t know how to look at him. Some days I feel like I can’t wait till I graduate and he is no longer a part of my life and other days I just want to go back to those nights when we laid in his bed and he played with my hair. I would really like your assessment of the situation and what you think I should do.Your opinion would be greatly appreciated!!!
Peace and Prosperity….
Green Eyes by Erykah Badu
Hey love muffin with Erykah Badu’s green eyes! What this sounds like to me is the college crush that turns into a friendship which led to something more. I just don’t think you truly get the college experience without one of these confusing emotional roller coaster kind of deals. But you’re taking me back and challenging me to think about how I would’ve done things differently, so this is good!
Let me start off by saying this, your guy probably does have feelings for you that he’s not ready to confront within himself. It sounds like you guys are friends before anything else because you took the time to build it, which is a far cry from what he’s probably used to dealing with! So don’t feel crushed or less attractive behind his new “gorgeous” girlfriend, because I tell you what, everything that glitters ain’t gold and everything that shines ain’t a diamond! Looks fade with time and they probably don’t share the same mental connection the you all have! Nope. So hold your head high and KNOW she has nothing on you! So why are your eyes green again? Envy? No.
Based off what you’ve written, it sounds like you two had a very sensual relationship, meaning layers of feelings. With the spooning, cuddly sleepovers to boot with hair play, all WITHOUT sex. I’m sure you hold those moments very close to your heart and even though he may not show it, he does too dearie. But again, he’s not willing to confront these feelings, why? Because he’s scared, rendering him weak. It’s a weak move for him not to take your feelings into consideration when you’ve spilled your heart to him. He’s also selfish, why? Because while he had a girlfriend, he was seeking some sort of emotional comfort from you, which is completely unfair and, like I said, selfish! You don’t want this in your life right now, you have to graduate! And trust me love muffin, when you finally get your paper and start your life anew, this situation will be laughable!
Now you, my dear, this is what I need you to do: discontinue availing yourself to him! You didn’t have to say this, but I already know that if he calls, you answer. If he says come see me, you’re there. If he says kiss me, you’re puckering up! Stop this. And don’t think for a second that he doesn’t use your availability to his advantage! Give yourself some time and space to sort through your feelings. Don’t take his calls, don’t call him! And watch the irony unfold! Baby girl, he will be so flustered behind you not answering his calls and being there for him when HE needs YOU … how dare you, he’ll think, he’s got that coming! But that’s no your point, clear your head and heal your heart.
Bottom line, you don’t want nor deserve a selfish or weak man, love! Be okay with walking away from this and taking some much needed time and space to reassess! Like I told the young lady yesterday, you have your whole life ahead of you, so let go and let God work his plan. He’s got something bigger and brighter waiting for you, but you have to free yourself to receive it! You’re beautiful!
I hope this helps! Double kisses!
- Love B. Scott
Nikki
October 22, 2009 at 11:31 am
On time as always B. Scott!!!
KD
October 22, 2009 at 1:03 pm
One piece of advice I can give these young ladies it this…stop hearing what you want to hear and believing what you want to hear. A man will tell you where he stands…Your friend told you exactly where he stood and you choose to believe something else based on what you wanted to hear. It’s not up to anyone else to tell you how he feels about you when he told you himself. Of course your friends are going to tell you he does, but what did HE tell you? I agree with B don’t compare yourself to anyone else, they are not you and you are not them. You really don’t have a choice but to get over him as he has gone on with his life. Let go of what you WANTED to happend and deal with what HAS happend.
Sorry if this sounds harsh I’m sending it with love and experience.
Von
October 22, 2009 at 1:12 pm
I totally agree! Once you realize your worth, this whole situation will be but a distant memory.
B, your advice is always so positive. You are like a ray of sunshine
Much love and success to you and the young lady!
ave one
October 22, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Yep! What B said.
anonymous
October 22, 2009 at 2:19 pm
omg, i have been going through a very similar thing. B.scott your advice is so on point. turn the tables on them and not being so available to them. they’ll get the point.
Lissette
October 22, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Well said B.scott. You know all the right things to say and you are a true inspirations…love ya…
Donna
October 22, 2009 at 4:15 pm
I’ve been through this situation and as painful as it is, this person is not the one for you at this time. I thought me and this person had all the makings for a perfect relationship but all of a sudden he had a girlfriend. I was too through. I learned that if he can leave, so can I. If he really loved you, or was ready, he would have picked you and only he knows why he picked someone else. I don’t know if you’re meant to be and if you are, he will grow up and you will be together. Right now, you have bigger priorities. You need to graduate, with honors, and get started with your life. This guy is so minute but taking up so much space in your life. Trust me, all things will pass.
P.S.
Do you really want someone who is a known cheater? Consider yourself lucky.
Lauren
October 22, 2009 at 9:24 pm
A wise person once told me that a boy feels with his eyes, and girl feels with her ears. But a man and woman feel with their hearts and minds. He is acting like a mere selfish boy and needs to time to grow up.
Don’t let this guy tickle your ears, like Bscott says. Don’t become so available. Girl, I completely understand how you feel because I was in the same boat. I was so hurt. Be firm with him and respect his girl and put him in his place.
But you know what,women like us can’t get distracted, especially while we’re in college. We have to stay focused. With a guy like him, he will just be in the way. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel inferior. He may get with her for looks, but that doesn’t mean he’ll stay with her for them. Chances are she’s another easy target like all the other women he’s had sex with.
One thing I have to respect you for is you didn’t have sex with him. Most young girls make that mistake and give themselves up too easily without knowing someone too well. You waited until you could BUILD a relationship. But home boy didn’t seem mature enough to handle it.
Give it time. He’ll come rolling back when you are successful.
Nicole
October 22, 2009 at 9:58 pm
I can sooooo relate to her. I too was intimate with a friend of mine WITHOUT having sex. I’m still having a hard time coping with it. We don’t talk for weeks at a time & then as soon as he calls me telling me to see him, I’m there in a hearbeat. When am I gonna learn?
Nayoluv
October 23, 2009 at 11:43 am
I agree with what B. AND KD (above in the comments) said. Yes yes…to all that good stuff that B. said but KD got it on point that you really need to listen to his words as well. He out right said how he felt yet the girl wants to RE-interpret (I know that ain’t a word, I’m jus stressing the point that she’s using her imagination to interpret what he said) how he feels into something pleasing or reassuring to her.
True true he probably has feelings but out of respect for yourself, you have to listen to the words that people are telling you.
To quote KD: “stop hearing what you want to hear and believing what you want to hear. A man will tell you where he stands.”
Clara Diamond Girl Atwater
October 23, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Okay I have been through this, and I can say at least you didn’t sleep with this guy. I lost my virginty being in the same situation as you, and I don’t regret my decision to sleep with him I just hate the fact that he didn’t appreciate the gift I gave him. Honestly I can say that as much as I was in love with him, he was in love with me. But he was still a boy and I was looking for a man. I say all the time I wondered what would’ve happened if I never feel in love with the boy, but the MAN. And I agree competely with B. Scott you can’t make yourself available to this man don’t jump at the opportunity of him giving you some attention when he feels like it your worth so much more than that. Honestly when I competely left him alone he started to realize that he missed me, that he loved me, but when it came for me to get what I wanted I didn’t want it. He eventually got a girlfriend and I thought that if a girl had the title that it would change him in some sort of way, but it didn’t he cheated on her with me. And if he can cheat on someone with me, he can cheat on me with someone else. I let it go. He was my first love, but it doesn’t mean it has to be my last.
Anonymous
October 23, 2009 at 9:25 pm
I agree with the commentors said above…… He’s Immature and selfish but he’s also
He’s just not that into you…..
And thats cool, because many other guys are… I’m a junior in college and I’m sorry you had to waste your time with him. Next time please baby girl look at the signs, they were staring you right in the face…
cherry
October 25, 2009 at 8:57 pm
Your on point again, Love!!!
Be Blessed
RissaT*Filipino_Barbie
October 30, 2009 at 6:32 pm
B. Scott, i love u!!!
Besides giving great advice to this young woman, u’ve given great advice to me!
I have been goin the the EXACT same thing in the past 2-3 years with a guy and im a senior in high school!
I used to do the things u decribed such as giving him a kiss if he ask for one, goin to see him if he asked, all that unneccessary stuff. After reading this, it makes me wanna post this on my wall to look at everyday before i go to school and see him. I felt like i was reading the section in my life about him when i read this. N i truly thought i loved him, but ur absolutely right, i can now see that he’s selfish and weak to admit that he feels the same way.
Thank u so much again,
Ur Love Muffin
RissaT*Filipino_Barbie