THE 
October 21, 2009 Ask B. Scott: I’m Having Crazy Thoughts Behind This Break-Up
Hey B. Scott,
I’m not sure if you ever have time to check your email but I’m actually desperate for your advice. I just recently broke up with this guy I had been best friends with for 6 years ad dating for 4 years. To give you a lil history, we met long distance even though we were originally were from the same place. We hit it off and became inseperable, talking everyday at least 3-4 X. I was a good challenge for him because he wasn’t used to such an ambitious going all over the world woman who was going to be long distance, tell him no to sex, and challenge him to be his best. We’ve broken up twice before–1)he ignored me for a week and I had to chase him down for him to tell me some stuff about him not being sure if he was ready for a commitment and he thought he was bisexual 2)he couldn’t handle long distance (thru txt message) 3) this last final time he stated that we needed to part so we could work on ourselves to eventually come back together. (thru txt message)
So I’ve been up here thinking that basically we were taking a break to better ourselves but I find out recently of his claims to have fallen out of love with me because our differences were more than our similarities and he felt I in a diff league he just didnt feel like trying to reach. he is talking to this other female who is 26, uneducated, on food stamps, has 2 kids, and just got out of an abusive relationship. and she has been contacting me about how i need to let go and go cry somewhere so she and her new man can continue in peace…she has been calling me out my name….and he has continued to be cold with me…not showing any signs of wanting to fight for me for friendship or relationship.i have ever been so hurt bscott…ive been fighting for this man for 6 years and he feels like he owes me nothing. I’ve been so depressed thinking suicidal and homicidal thoughts….just dont want to be this obsessive, depressed, submissive girl who cant move on with her life. Can you please help me? I know I deserve better and God has a plan for me but right now I just can’t figure out how to let go of him without constantly calling, txtig, and fbooking him. and then its just making it worse with the girl contacting me and trying to publicly humiliate me….im in the dumps. please help me get out.
Love,
A black female who deserves so much better in life
Okay Love Muffin, I read this letter and I want to start here, if you’re seriously having suicidal and homicidal thoughts, I would encourage you to seek council with a therapist. These kind of thoughts are nothing to play with and if you’re feeling severely unstable, you should see someone as soon as possible, end of discussion. God does have a plan for you and taking your own life or someone else’s in NOT in the blueprint! You have your whole life ahead of you my dear and, frankly, this situation is unworthy of the energy you’re pouring into it and certainly not your LIFE!
Now let’s move on. If you’re just that down in the dumps to a point where you’re battling depression on a daily basis, then this is more than a tell tale sign that this guy isn’t worth it, baby girl. From what you’ve written, it seems he’s at a point in his life where he needs to sort things out from his goals and aspirations as a productive person on down to his sexuality. And he’s flat out telling you that he’s not in the right place to build a relationship with you, much less commit to the work it takes to keep a healthy, stable one in tact. So take heed to his message and make tracks!
From the picture you’ve painted, it seems he’s already moved on with someone on a completely different plane that you can’t even relate to, which speaks volumes abut his character. Your “friend” and his new girl sound like a perfect match. They deserve each other and he owes you nothing but an exit.
So I say, you move on too! What’s keeping you? Heartache? Pain? Depression? Love yourself enough to say: enough is enough! Just because he’s a lost soul doesn’t mean you have to be also. And the more energy and life you breathe into this disaster, the worse you’re going to feel! You see how this works? You don’t deserve that mess in your life, so let it go and make room for something bigger, brighter and better to situate itself in your world.
Okay so after 6 years you have nothing to show for your pain and strife but you’ve learned a valuable lesson. You now know precisely what you don’t want, right! Free yourself and move on! Let it go, Love Muffin, let it go! And if the love is real it will always return. But be at peace with putting this behind you! You’re beautiful and deserve better so start living and allowing God to work his plan for your life. Let it go.
Hope this helps! Double kisses!
-Love,
B. Scott
Tai
October 21, 2009 at 2:01 pm
I couldn’t have said it better myself!!!
Donna
October 21, 2009 at 2:11 pm
GREAT ADVICE…
DesignGal1979
October 21, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Please see help if you are suicidal!!
Move on Martha move on! He feels like he owes you nothing because he doesn’t . I know it hurts…I’ve been there. This is getting you ready for the man that is meant for you.And PS normall when people say the are bisexual, the haven’t admitted that they are gay
eL
October 21, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I agee with B totally, he gives such good advice! I don’t want to steal none of your shine but he’s right nothing to show for all these years but some excuses, indecisive thoughts and confused sexuality? If he really cared he wouldnt put u through this especially with some other girl hitting you up!
Love yourself enough to leave. Even if it is 6 years of “love” or whatever I’m sure you been loving yourself for a lot longer so act it out and make tracks!
Also, I know a lot of times we feel so bad we want to kill ourselves, others, etc. We have lost people we loved in our lives and things far worse then a little mistreatment from an ignorant individual so when you put it in perspective its not worth it at all!
I find sometimes thinking about the whole situation rationality & logically (not emotionally), and having things to do (hobbies, time with friends/family) help you get through times like this. You will get through!
SweetestThing
October 21, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Very great advice B. Scott!! It sounds like she is lost herself in this relationship and obviously feels like she can’t exist without this man in her life. Most times in our lives we are miserable only because we fail to ignore warning signs. In this case he didnt give her warning signs, he put the writing on the wall for her when he told her he was not ready to be with her. Why sacrifice yourself, your heart, your peace of mind for someone who could careless, which he obviously cares none at all. Dont just walk away from this man RUN! And please get help…I dont even know her but she is definitely in my prayers.
xoxo
Essence21
October 21, 2009 at 3:45 pm
B Scott gave such great advice.
You need to find love for you and no one else. When you are in love with you then you can and will find a man that sees that and loves you for it. There is no need to shed anymore tears over a man that can’t see the wonderful things in you and who does not have his life together…
If you must cry then let it be because you are a sad it didn’t work but not over him. No man is worth all of that. Start counting the small blessing in your life and see how rich you are…
It will be ok, I promise. Just keep your head up and your eyes towards Heaven.
Sending love and hugs to my fellow Love Muffin!
CleopatraSweets
October 21, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Why you would want somebody like that is beyond me girl. He has no aspirations for himself; that girl can have him. You want a future so you must get with someone who has the same positive outlook on life. Good luck.
Vinze
October 21, 2009 at 4:24 pm
As someone who’s been in “Toxic” relationships and been in a lovefest for the last 8 years, All I can tell you is, Love is not suppose to hurt and require you to work so hard for that love. You sound like a smart woman who is wasting energy on someone who does not feel the same for you as you do him. B. Scott is right, L-E-T I-T G-O. You’ll sigh relief when you have honestly done so & your heart will thank you for it. Best of luck to you.
Lala-Aoki
October 21, 2009 at 6:26 pm
B.Scott your so AMAZING!
……….I went through something similar except there was no heifer on food stamps she was a aerospace engineer in the air force & he never told me he wanted to go bisexual and we were in the same city so ummmm…..I guess it wasn’t similar at all but I never wanted to kill myself just him & I hated on her but I am still here & I am way better now when I see him (2yrs later) I still want to kick his ass but I kill him with kindness long enough for him to see what he missed out on and to check out my body (I lost 20 pounds during depression & decided to tighten it up) remind him of an good ol time that will make him laugh then I carry on…….Now that I am happily engaged to a man who loves me (mind, body, soul and spirit) I can truly thank god that I did not shoot him when I could have even tho I do admit to some other malicious acts that I wont mention I am not in the electric chair I am here to enjoy the life god gave me learning all my lessons on the way!
Phoefe
October 21, 2009 at 7:47 pm
wow, seems as if he needed someone who made him feel better about himself by being worse off than he… she’s too much of a woman and that can be intimidating for guys not on that level. The new chick probably feels threatened. I can’t believe (though it has happened to me) that grown women still harass ex girlfriends and behave that immaturely. She needs to get a grip. If you have issues or insecurities, take it to the one you’re dating. -Not the ex. homegirl should probably change her number and start fresh. It’s amazing what a new number can do. Go through the motions and get over him. I love your blog B. Scott. xoxoxo
QuiAlise
October 21, 2009 at 10:47 pm
“No one ever said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it”
From one woman to another, I have been where you are. I know for a fact that a broken heart doesn’t heal over night, but I do know IT WILL HEAL! Take this time to embrace God and figure out who you are(who YOU REALLY ARE), in doing that you’ll discover your worth as a woman. You are in fact worth so much more than you think you are! Embrace your life and allow this pain and this experience to contribute to your growth. It’s tough i know, all trials are designed to draw us closer to God and build our strength! Please believe that this is a test of faith. Life goes on, once you realize that, you will most definitely find peace and happiness beyond anything that he could have given you! As women, we weren’t built t break so don’t let this situation break you.. I don’t know you, but your life is important and as a black woman, I NEED YOU TO SURVIVE!!! You are blessed and I am praying for you!
jG
October 22, 2009 at 1:13 am
BScoTT is exactly right! The more you dewll on the situation the worse you will feel. Only time can heal all of the hurt you feel but you have to remember that with time this too shall pass. There is nothing that God puts you through that doesnt have a purpose and even though you dont see it right now, when you finally realize what this storm was for you will appreciate you blessing so much more. Take this time to evaluate the relationship for what it was and educate yourself on what you did and didnt like about it. That way when someone else comes along (because there will definitely be more) you will already know what you can and cannot deal with and you can start weeding out people who are not worth your time from the BEGINNING. You do not want to end up with the same type of man who will let you down. Make sure you are honest with yourself because you know that you do not want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with you. It will be hard at first but it will only make you a stronger person.
cHaZY
October 22, 2009 at 4:02 am
This is a lesson I already learned … don’t cry for the past – go out into the world and make it yours. Love yourself, you are the most important person for yourself to rely on and BE independent !!!
When you love yourself and somehow you’ll find the ONE that is worth your heart !
-xO cHaZ
Rod
October 22, 2009 at 8:45 am
SHE HAS TO BE IN HER EARLY TWENTIES…… LORD JESUS I DONT
WANNNA BE THAT AGE AGAIN….. I FELT YOUR PAIN…. BEEN THERE DONE
THAT…REMAIN STRONG AND REMEMBER GOD DOES NOT PLACE
ANYTHING UPON US THAT WE CAN NOT HANDLE… YOU WILL LOOK BACK ON THIS AND SAY..”WHAT WAS I THINKING AND LAUGH ABOUT IT… (unless your in jail)…….
Lauren
October 22, 2009 at 9:43 pm
The problem with long-distance is the distance between two people in miles. I was going to try it, but I thought about all the people he would be exposed to…and all that time I wouldn’t be around. You don’t need him. He is nothing but an obstacle to you. You don’t need someone like him in your life. You are a woman who is always on the move, so you have things to do and places to go. You are making something of yourself, and you are not giving up yourself easily. You have a good head on your shoulders. Don’t add negative weight.
Really, I feel sorry for the girl with all the problems: 2 kids, on food stamps, no education, and now a man who isn’t even sure of his sexuality or confident about commitment. Be glad that that guy is one less problem for you. Cause now she has to put up with this rollercoaster.
Chavez
October 23, 2009 at 1:10 pm
It’s funny how I’ve dealt with a break-up for the past year, so similar but it wasn’t long distance. I agree with everything B. Scott said, and what I’ve learned from the experience is that you can’t make someone love you the way you love them. When you have to force anything on anyone, then it’s not meant to be. Love should be natural & peaceful, but it must start within yourself. Who’s going to love you, if you’re not loving yourself?! No one! And I’m telling you, if it wasn’t for the Grace of God… I’d still be in the same funk I was in before. You’d be amazed how beneficial a prayer can be and the love & support from relatives & friends. I wish you the best, I know things will get better!
Chelsea
October 26, 2009 at 3:38 pm
. I met a guy and he treated me like crap and I determine my worth as a person based upon how he treated me. thats not right hon, you need to realize what he’s doing and how’s he acting like he doesn’t care. YOU DON’T NEED THAT. You want someone that knows how to treat you right and sees the beauty in you. And if you depress don’t sit around the house . go out with friends, surround with people that love you. you will do fine. Right now focus on you and getting yourself back together… then when the time is right . go out and date again. Don’t contact him in any way or form. you don’t need that. God will find the right guy for you. clear your mind and love yourself.!! I may be only 18 years old, but I really hope this helps to you. Much love
Sharon
October 27, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Listen to B.Scott he is absolutely right. Beautiful advice. You’re not the first person to go down this road, so please listen to us who are telling you that your experience with this man is not worth ending your life! Your life is not that cheap.
I believe that we are all meant to go down the path of pain and suffering, but only in order for us to truly grow and experience a higher level of consciousness in the end, and for us to truly know the meaning of our life. The darkest moment always comes before dawn.
The key is not to go on a downward spiral. Stop yourself from having all these negative thoughts! I suggest that you pray and meditate to the Higher Power to help you. If the Creator of the Universe cannot help you then surely no one else can! However if you’re not a believer in that then I concur with the advice to seek professional counselling. Someone who can help you see that you have a choice about how you can move on from this. There is a Light at the end of the tunnel!
Something good was meant to come out of all this mess, please have faith in that. This pain is meant to make you a better version of yourself. Just make sure that you don’t give in to the negativity. Maybe try and think of someone else who needs help too! This will help you to not focus on your own self too much. Hang in there and take care.