THE 
May 27, 2009 Ask B. Scott: I Remind Her Of My Father
Love muffins, below you will find this week’s Ask B. Scott with the answer exclusively featured on HoneyMag.com. Enjoy, and please share your thoughts!
Question:
Hey B.
I have a question dealing with family. Recently I’ve been feeling a lot of tension between me and my mom. It’s like we’ve seperated ever since my parents have seperated. I’ve noticed that she pays more attention to my sister than she does to me. Makes me feel like she doesn’t care about me at all. Everytime I try to talk to her about it, she shuts me down. And immediately brings up all of my flaws and failures. I feel like she’s been treating me this way recently because I look like my dad, and I act so much like him and she hates it.
My question is: what should I do? Should I just let this problem go and ignore it? Or should I keep trying to talk to her? If so, how can I get her to listen without her getting upset and yelling at me.
Thanks,
Gina
Read my answer to Gina’s question now exclusively on HoneyMag.com.
Sherrell
May 27, 2009 at 11:46 am
She just needs to be open and honest to her mother. There is no easier way or alternative way to get around it.
Michelle
May 27, 2009 at 11:58 am
My mother did this to me my whole life. She was always cold to me, yelling at me for ridiculous things – especially when she was angry at my father. While they are still married, they do not get along – AT ALL. And I always felt like she resented me because the only reason they got married was because they had me. She always told me I’m just like him – and judging from the fact that she doesn’t like him, I always knew she meant it in a bad way. She knew I was hurting by the way she treated me (telling me I was stupid, “shaped just like my father”, “fat just like his family,” etc) but never seemed to care about how much I cried. So I just attached to my father and realized that she is who she is and she’s going to do what she does. Now I’m nearly 30 and she’s finally starting to realize the damage she did and is working to fix it. We never had a good relationship – no hugs and kisses or I love you’s – but now she wants to spend time and asks about my life. And now she tells me she loves me all the time. I never got that growing up and it’s nice to finally hear it.
I think the advice you gave this girl is really sound. But she should also know that if it doesn’t work, not to take it as her mother not loving her. Sometimes parents just don’t know any better. While her mother’s behavior is hurting her, she also has to understand that her mother might also be hurting. Everyone deals with hurt differently. Hopefully she’ll come around. It just might take some time.
Lady shay
May 27, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Hello If you are feeling that this is such a problem i think that you should sit your mother down. Tell her how you feel. Like my dad always tells me a closed mouth doesn’t get fed. Im sure that your mother doesn’t notice these things. Girl i was in the same boat as you. My mother use to favor to my little sister. But until i told her how i felt then nothing was going to changed.
We talked now were closer and the issue is resolved.
So talk to your mom be honest in telling her how you feel.
JaiMitch
May 27, 2009 at 12:43 pm
I think the advise B. Scott gave you was really good just to add to his advice. He really hit when he said that sometimes our parents get so wrapped up in what they are going through they sometimes they don’t realize how their reactions are effecting us. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten is that it’s not what people call you, but what you answer to, even when it comes from a parent or a family member you love and respect. I think you should also talk to another family member about what is going on, it could help you to have an ally and to have someone who knows both you and your mother so they would be able to see both sides of the story. Try to be sensitive about what your mother is going through but be honest about what it is doing to you.
erikka
May 27, 2009 at 3:02 pm
i know i have jokes most of the time, but my heart goes out to this young lady.
gina, i would strongly consider writing a letter. i don’t always think this is best because i just love the art of verbal communication! however, in situations where fighting matches don’t stop i say put it in writing…
mDavis
May 28, 2009 at 9:18 am
Hoepfully she isnt the type of mom that you cant say anything to and they are always right and dont take time to own up to their behavior. I see so many mothers (and fathers) that are not emotionally mature and their parenting technique is all based in control and fear and doesnt foster a healthy flow of communication – it’s all “do you as I say, not as I do” – and that’s just not practical. Children can see past that and realize their parents are being flawed and F’d up.
I agree that if the talk doesnt work out, dont take it too hard – sometimes the fix doesnt come over night.
Gina
June 5, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Thx B for the advice and everyone else. I really appreciate it a lot!
I actually wrote a letter to my mom explaining everything about how I feel, and I plan to give it to her this weekend going to take her out for the day. Just me and her 1 on 1 time.
Once again, I really appreciate the advice.
Thx, Gina
Danielle
June 26, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I have this exact same situation going on with my mom. SO i could use the advice to. I do feel like there are so many things about me she doesn’t like and she wants to change. She always constantly reminds me about how people don’t like me or what im doing wrong. Now-a-days i don’t even try to have a relationship with my father because she is always there to get on the phone and tell him to come get me. She loves to tell me about how horrible of a man he is but then has asks why i didn’t call him on fathers day. Its damaging to hear her talk to me in such a negative way, and im only 15. But we have tried conversation after screaming conversation after therapist to get through are problems and im at the point where im tired of talking. I just want to be left alone, put it in the past, and work my way to college or fame. Maybe one day when im older i can have a relationship with my father.
Lauren
July 9, 2009 at 8:12 am
my sister had a similar problem. She acted so much like my father that she got treated the worst. But you know what, I feel this should be discussed quietly. Tell her you don’t want to be compared to your father. Tell her you’re different from him. Tell her you find it hard to please her but you want to please her. Be diplomatic. See your side and mention her side of things.