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May 11, 2009 Ask B. Scott: Should I Relocate For Him?
Love muffins below you will find this week’s Ask B. Scott with the answer exclusively featured on HoneyMag.com. Enjoy, and please share your thoughts!
Question:
Hey, B.
I have a significant other, I guess you could call him. We’re not dating, but we both love each other. We’re not together because he lives in Michigan now and I live in New Jersey. We don’t want to hold each other back if something else were to come along and have resentments.
I’m moving there in 3 months for school to be near him. The only problem is, he’s bisexual and hasn’t really explored the part of him that likes guys. He really wants to and I don’t have a problem with that. But I don’t want to leave my whole life behind just to get hurt in the end. But at the same time, I don’t want to always look back and wonder ‘what if.’
Do I move there and hope that things will work out and that he doesn’t end up getting a boyfriend, or do I just try to forget about him and move on? I love him more than anything and I’d do anything for him, but I’m just torn. I know you can’t make a decision for me, but some advice would be nice.
Carolyn
Read my answer to Carolyn’s question now exclusively on HoneyMag.com.
BillionaireHeir
May 11, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Umm No your not even together,lol. Hell No Do not Relocate. You have no foundation built you love each other is the love from god. You need to be in Love and together to relocate and been in love for YEARS. So Hell no. U will find ur self relocating again if u moved 4 him. when he gets the otehr girlfriend.
Lexington
May 11, 2009 at 3:55 pm
WoW…I read this and i was like, did i write to B.Scott in my sleep??
I have the exact same problem, I just started seeing this guy and I really love him. I live in New Jersey and he lives in St. Louis but he flyes out here on a by-weekly basis. Were going to live together in florida for a while because one of my relatives is letting me stay there while im off of school. He is also bisexual and has never been in a serious relationship with a man before. He says he can see himself with me in the future…but im scared he’ll be more comfortable with the straight lifestyle and dump me. Im a sophmore in college but I plan to spend my junior year relocated in St. Louis while still earning credits just to be with him. Im taking a big risk. But its only for a semester.
But enough about me, Carolyn B is right. If he isnt making any sacrafices than its not worth it…
LMAOOOO!! IM DEAD@ B’s Comment “So, unless you plan on strolling the boardwalk at Lake Michigan, wondering “why am I here?” I suggest you stay home love muffin.”
ruby
May 11, 2009 at 4:00 pm
oh, no babygirl. he’s already expressed a desire to explore that other side… if you’re moving all that way, it should be for a deep, meaningful, monogamous relationship. not a kinda sorta maybe. *hugs*
april
May 11, 2009 at 4:14 pm
I believe if you are going to move it should be for school and not for ‘the guy’. I also believe what God has for you is for you and you should not have to put this much effort in what you are not calling a relationship. Once you fully let go of this infatuation then your ‘Romeo’ will come and I don’t believe in people being bisexually I think that that is just greedy…you can’t always have your hand in the cookie jar. So let him do him and explore his other sexuality side and then see how he really feels….but honestly, I already think you know what to do but you are just looking for validation like most women do…trust your intuition!!!!! God gave it to us.
As B.Scott would say “double kisses”
Carolyn
May 11, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Thanks for answering my question, B. And thanks all of you for the advice.
Good luck, Lexington.
LatinaNichelle
May 11, 2009 at 4:28 pm
This is how I look at it. Ask him hypothetically speaking would he relocate for you, if he will and is ginuine you have your answer. Its all in the strength of the love between the two of you
Moni
May 11, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I would only move to be with someone if we both agreed that we loved each other, and we are going to be in a relationship. I wouldn’t pick up and follow somebody based on a “let me see what might happen”. Oh no ma’am.
MissShanice
May 11, 2009 at 4:36 pm
The only advice that I have for you is to find the movie “Cover” and watch it. That is what your life will be like possibly. But why do you want to be with someone or go after someone knowing that they will be involving other people men women and both and the possibility that you all will not be together
Deep Hilton
May 11, 2009 at 4:47 pm
I Think I am about to endure this similarly. I have just recently found my first love/1st high school crush. I always loved her, she never knew it. Here we are 15 years later, I found her again, and told her about my feelings for her back then.
Now….she was straight, and divorced, of course bitter in a way. But somehow someway, our conversation changed into very intimate, very sexually enchanting moments. We have become like teenagers in love. Talking on the phone for hours. Knowing full well we have to get up for work the following morning.
My issue, I have no idea where this is going…but if Carolyn is anything like me, she should take my advice along with BScott’s….PUT IT IN GOD’s HANDS….That’s what I did. I am now taking it one day at a time. This of course is the first time in a very long time, I have gotten intimate and courted someone before acutally seeing, dating, or sleeping with them. So for me, if she comes here this weekend..and we hit it off…I am sure…she will want more.
But I am not dependent on those thoughts. I am simply enjoying right now…what tomorrow brings..will be tomorrow…but because I gave it over to God….I can deal with what ever may come….because He prepared me…over and over again…just for this and every trial any relationship can ever bring…they are lessons…
Will I change my life for her…??? Yes..but only if…she is going to be willing to do the same for me…bottom line…
BSCOTT…you are telling the TRUTH baby!
BillionaireHeir
May 11, 2009 at 4:57 pm
LMAo @ MissShanice, You got That right COVER, cause Lexington Said Her man was BI, and ummm there is just now way. Double Hell no don’t move.
KR
May 11, 2009 at 5:16 pm
I love the advice B. Well thought out and straight to the point.
I have too many friends (gay and straight) who went chasing a man or woman only to find themselves stranded somewhere they hate. It really isn’t worth it. I left my last city after a relationship and didn’t look back. When my Ex found himself missing me he said he wanted to move where I moved. I told him no because I don’t go backwards in life and we would never be in a relationship again. It was cruel to say at the time but he is glad I said it because he is now in a great relationship back in the old city. I wanted a new start and chance to explore something new. Take heed!! Your bisexual men are looking for something new and a chance to explore a side of them they didn’t have a chance to. You are not a part of the equation. Don’t play yourself. If he wants you there then he will be where you are making it happen and not waiting on you to make it happen. I’ve seen guys go and help their mates pack up and close out things to make the move. A man would want you bad enough to do that.
To echo B’s sentiment, do you, make decisions that benefit you, and you can never go wrong.
Ritch
May 11, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Ummm… since when were women so open about Bisexuality… As an openly Gay man, I don’t EVEN CONSIDER dating someone who’s bisexual… it’s asking for trouble. So women… don’t buy into all that mess. If he wanted to be with you… He would make it work for you… If he’s thinking about being with a man, its because he wants to be with a MAN… Most of the men I’ had dated when i was younger had been Bisexual… unfortunately… and all it did was confuse them about what they really want. So my advice is as much as you care, try and let that go, because if he was all about you, he wouldn’t be noticing ANYONE else but you… especially this fast into your relationship.
Smokie
May 11, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Poor thing. Needing love so badly she’s willing to move out of state for an admitted bi-sexual man. Whoa. She might as well put a sign on her forehead that says, “Do WHATEVER you want with my heart.”
Carolyn
May 11, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Actually, Smokie, I don’t ‘need’ love. I’m willing to move for someone I care about. Why does that have to be such a bad thing?
L.
May 11, 2009 at 9:14 pm
well if it doesn’t work out you can always transfer.
tee
May 11, 2009 at 9:17 pm
NO.
You sound naive saying… I don’t ‘need’ love. I’m willing to move for someone I care about.
The fact that you are even considering it, means you are already in too deep.
A bi-sexual man….girl take a deep breath and get your self esteem back.
Anonymous
May 11, 2009 at 9:47 pm
if you are questioning it AT ALL, you should NOT move……. let him figure himself out first……… i don’t understand guys who say they’re bisexual, he might be gay and just not telling you……. i know a lot of gay guys who have had kids and gotten married to women, etc……. if you were to move to be with him or vice versa you’d know it was the right thing, and there’d be no questions
Anonymous
May 11, 2009 at 9:51 pm
you sound a little desperate……. if you have any question about it at all, you should NOT do it……. you’d know it was right, and wouldn’t have to be asking people’s opinions in the first place……. most of the time if a guy says he’s bisexual, he’s most likely gay……. i know you want to come to the defense of that, but i know a lot of gay men who have been with girls and had kids and gotten married, etc…….. i’m a gay man, and i just don’t buy it…… if it’s the right thing in the future you’ll know it…….. by moving there and having questions and not letting him explore his sexuality (trust me he’s been with guys, he just isn’t telling you) you are throwing away your future…….. good luck!
yes
May 11, 2009 at 10:24 pm
You cant try to put a hold on someone when they are “exploring”, moving closer is not gonna change that, u cant magically make someone want to be with you
u gotta think logically, thats means with ur brain not your heart
SLIM BABY
May 11, 2009 at 11:35 pm
Usually I dont give feedback on blogs, but i thought I should share this with you because I’ve been in the same situation and let me tell you word of advice.”Dont move for no man, especially if he’s unsure of himself”. I moved to Atlanta to be with my bestfriend/homie. We knew each other since we were kids. He used to tell me I was his bestfriend and we had so much chemistry. I fell in love with him to the point I left my mother’s house moved away to be with him. Once moving to ATL I found out about the other woman and how he was having unprotected sex with them, shit he was staying in the “A” might of been on the D.L. However that’s besides the point. My life started to spirial out of control because I had chicks calling my phone private and the sweet things he used to say to me ended. He started disrespecting me. Mind you I’m very gorgeous and had men going crazy, but I didn’t give them the time of the day because I was busy chasing that fool. I ended getting really stress and started to lose weight because I couldnt understand why he didn’t want to be with me. I cried every night and started drinking, just so I can ease the pain. Alot of horrible things happened to me and my sister let me tell you,I dont even want my worst enemy to go through the shit I went through. Your a grown ass woman and your going to do what you want, but just remember “If he really loves you he would meet you half way” I wished I would of listened to that little voice that told me not to move and he’s not going to change. Man if I would of listened I would of been graduating college this month and wouldn’t have to run to the clinic every other month. “Girl your life is precious, take care of yourself.”
neosole
May 12, 2009 at 12:38 am
You gave very good advice B. Clearly guy is not in a position to be her man right now since he has a desire to explore. She will probably only get heartbroken if she moves to Michigan for him.
luv yah
Lexington
May 12, 2009 at 12:40 am
Thanks Carolyn, and Im a man by the way everyone….LOL
Jezz
May 12, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Don’t do it!
Use that women intuition you were born with. It’s telling you not to do it or else you wouldn’t be questioning whether it’s a good idea or not.
The season for you and that man to be together is over. Don’t try and turn a seasonal partner into a lifetime one.
Best of luck hun.
mDavis
May 12, 2009 at 2:24 pm
This is a wrap people. She’s just as confused as he is. She “doesn’t need love” – so ok, whats the point? She’s chasing a pipe dream and in one breath she “doesn’t want a broken heart” and in the next she doesnt need love….WTF? If it was all that, it woulda been on a friendship level….damn, is the dick THAT good Carolyn? I mean, there are plenty of bi-sexual men left in Jersey – you do have options ya know! Why ask for advice at all?
Hey, some people have to learn the lessons themselves. She is in full fledged denial. The sad part is, I bet if she had a conversation with the guy and told him she wasn’t coming, he would be relieved. At this point its not oly foolish of her to move, but selfish. Let the man suck a dick if he wants to, he doesn’t need a lonely ex shadowing him across state lines.
I smell a follow-up letter in 6 months
“Dear B. Scott, I moved to Michigan and by the time I got there he was seeing a guy and now I don’t see him as much and he hardly returns my phone calls. Why wont he let me be great B. Scott?”
Higherlove
May 12, 2009 at 11:21 pm
B-scott I just read your advice to Carolyn, you nailed it. I wish I had come to you when I moved countries to chase a man!
I was inlove ‘alone’ and excited by the prospect of moving away from my parents’ house, and I saw this man as my ticket to freedom, which sort of deterred me from seeing the situation for “what it is and not what if” ( thank you bscott for that advice!!!).
The truth is always hard to take in, but if we pay attention we save ourselves many tears.
He had clearly stated from the beginning that he didnt want to be heavily committed and wanted an open relationship, in my mind I thought it would be a sporadic fling here and there, but I wasn’t prepared for the harsh truth.
His definitlion of an open relationship was exploring the strip clubs, the different race women etc. It was clear he defined himself as single, whilst I continued to think we were “couple”.
And my days of what should have been a happy ever after turned into the biggest emotional abuse chapter of my life; scars which I have continued to carry 6 years later!
Our arguments which initially were verbal eventually escalated to phyiscal abuse. I started to believe that there was something wrong with me, since I couldn’t get this man to stay, so I must not be good enough.
Though he maintained that he that he loved and wanted to be with me, his actions were always hurtful.
Like Slim Baby I too turned to drink, I was numbing my pain, I hated myself for being such a fool. I also racked up a lot of debt, trying to pull of new looks and lifestyle to try and maintain his interest.
Though I have been told I am a very beautiful girl, it has taken a long time to accept that, because of the pain and humiliation I went through.
Carolyn I think you should read bscott’s advice every morning! and pray for God to handle this situation.
Begin to remove the shinning armour on this knight and deal with the man behind it, be strong enough to take a hard look at what you see, its there, thats probably why you wrote to bscott!
Sassy
May 13, 2009 at 4:23 pm
No if I were you would not move for a man. I made that big mistke myself. I moved for a man and it was the worst thing I’ve ever done. Lady’s never, I mean NEVER leave from your comfort zone for a man. If he love you enough he will move to be closer to you. And he’s bisexual? I mean are you nuts…. I’m sorry girl, this is a no no. Trust me, don’t move you will regret it….
Good luck,
Mrs.Sidibe
June 12, 2009 at 11:55 am
Why are you playing rush and roulette with your life? Do you not know what your purpose is in life? From your post you sound like a very young woman, Here is my advice for you-NEVER MOVE FOR A BOYFRIEND. Get a grip sweetie, life is precious, focus on bettering yourself first. A Real man will come along that only want to be with a woman.