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May 4, 2009 Ask B. Scott: Down Low Woes
Hello to all my dear love muffins! Below is the response from yours truly to this week’s Ask B. Scott. Enjoy, and please share your thoughts! Remember to join our community and post your burning questions for me to answer. xoxo
Question:
Hey, B.Scott! I was in a serious long distance relationship for about two and a half years with this guy. He decided to break up with me because he didn’t want to be part of the ”gay” scene anymore, and it really confused me for awhile. I didn’t fully understand why all of sudden he broke things off after two years of commitment. I found out that a month after the break up, he messed around with a guy. Now that really confused me a whole lot, and didn’t know whether to get crazy or to keep my cool – but I kept my cool. Right now he has a ”girlfriend.” Him having a girlfriend doesn’t bother me – what bothers me is that his ”girl” doesn’t know his past (me) and how he isn’t totally upfront with her about his sexuality.Can a man really change his sexual orientation just because he really feels the urge to change? What I’m trying to understand is why do I still love him? The emotion isn’t as strong as before but it’s still there. It’s just so confusing to me and I know your the perfect person to answer these kinds of questions.
Read my response after the jump.
Answer:
Oh my where do I start love muffin! Well, first off I think it’s best that you guys aren’t seeing each other anymore even though you still love him. Your ex who doesn’t want to do the ”gay” scene anymore and is now dating a woman is confused. He obviously has all types of issues going on, which most likely stem from an internal conflict between his desires for men and wanting to be “normal,” or feeling that being gay is somehow wrong. Sadly, some gay men deep down inside believe that they can’t and/or shouldn’t have a meaningful relationship with another man and often times make that a reality by cheating on their partners or making futile attempts to not do the “gay” scene anymore. I know that it’s hard to let him go because you still love him, but if someone doesn’t want to be in your life, let them leave. Additionally, it could also be that your ex was using that as an excuse to leave the relationship and that’s not for you to understand. The major sticking point is that he no longer wants to be in the relationship with you. You can’t expect to understand the reasoning and shouldn’t worry about what he’s doing after the break-up – you are just holding onto something that is not there anymore. Embrace the reality that you are no longer together, and accept that as a blessing because now you can get on with your life with someone who will truly value and appreciate you as a partner. Please refer to my “Stop Convincing People” video for my thoughts on why you shouldn’t have to convince anyone of anything. I really wish you the best, love muffin and hope you find someone that is capable of loving you the way you need to be loved.
Double Kisses!
B. Scott
Note: Start racking your brains for those questions you’re dying to get advice on! In order to have your question answered, you must be registered and submit them via the community. Submit questions here. I will pick a question to answer every week.
CHERYL
May 4, 2009 at 12:22 pm
B, you gave him some good advice but I have something to tell this guy. You did nothing wrong in the relationship but you must move on and do not let this guy back into your life. The worst relationship one can have is with another person who doesn’t know who they are. You can do so much better, do not waste anymore time, there is someone out there for you who is not afraid to be honest and know what they want. REMEMBER, can’t nobody love you until they love themselves first.
I don’t have a problem with gay guys, one of my friends are gay and I love him to death, but I can not stand a guy who plays both ends, meaning with a man and a woman knowing good well he prefer to be with a man but deals with a woman because of what society has to say or how they would look at him. PLEASE men get your mind right, who cares what people think of you but you need to stop playing the confused role and be happy with the decision of being with the one you truly feel comfortable with and stop playing with women’s lives and emotions.
gorGious
May 4, 2009 at 12:34 pm
You’re soooo right B.Scott. I just finish watching the video
and I’m going through something slightly similar, I needed that 
Consuela
May 4, 2009 at 2:16 pm
I def agree with you B. Scott. Regardless of this confused man, the first thing to realize is…he doesn’t want to be with you…so its no forcing it….of course you still love him and we have all been in that predicament before…but its best to let it go…like my mother always told me…if man wants to be with you…HE WILL…no cut cards there…..but PLEASE fellas if you’re gay don’t be ashamed like cheryl said
“who cares what people think of you but you need to stop playing the confused role and be happy with the decision of being with the one you truly feel comfortable with and stop playing with women’s lives and emotions.”
its a shame what us women have to go through…worrying about if he cheatin, got kids, life of crime…now we got to worry about if he is gay or not…just be honest
nonyabiza
May 4, 2009 at 2:16 pm
the guy does need to build a bridge and get over it……..we as people are all sexual beings… so if they guy decided to stop fucking men and fuck women.. is his own right………..he’s not confused…….he’s just another sexual being……….i hate when people say … OH HE’S CONFUSED……..who im loving and want to be fucking is my business.. and damn it if i dont want to be with you anymore… move the fuck on……if i want dick… i want dick.. if i want pussy.. i want pussy……….. its my business…..
Geyonce[tha]Gem
May 4, 2009 at 2:28 pm
I really appreciate this because I always tell my friends if someone says they don’t want to be with you, they don’t and you can not convince someone of it. It will cause unwanted stress. You can not force someone to understand you and be with you. And not saying that you are, but clearly he is moving on and so should you. Just live ya life and just be happy that he was not still committed to you and cheating and playing head games. He broke it off, which I feel I would want someone to do with me if they felt they were unhappy in some ways. Instead of leading me on. And the new “girlfriend”, well now that is her problem or their issue at hand on his past experiences and how open he is about it.
AreWethereYET?
May 4, 2009 at 2:36 pm
The fascination we have with why someone left us is more confusing to me than someone leaving a relationship. It aint a “gay” or “down low” thing. A man is a man whether he is straight or gay. Thats the best advice i ever got from those that came before me. Being “gay” changes ONE, count em,ONE aspect of who you are. Everything else, he probably learned from the other men in his life who brought him up. Why are you wasting time thinking about somebody that has moved on-or through- two people since he left you? Why do you still love him? cause love doesnt operate like a light switch. It’s not turned on any more than it is turned off. It just is. Its not an issue about love for him. Why dont you love yourself MORE?
Honey, get used to the word “lonely”. Right now, I get the sense that you are afraid of being “alone”. Theres a difference. a HUGE difference. How you managed to travel into his new relationship with is girlfriend astounds me. You can find out all that, but, still can’t figure out why you still love him? You could probably save yourself some time and admit that that man gave it to you good. Cause from every other way this man seems to have treated you, he sounds like an A$$. I can’t really sympathize and give you permission to become a doormat. I don’t RSVP to pity parties. I can say that there are too many great GAY men out there for all of these advice blogs to be about the few that are the absolute worst. Damn, how many of ya’ll are deciding to live a real life version of “Noahs Arc” and passing that drama off like you have a life? It’s interesting to watch, not as much fun to be in. it gets old and unfortunately the only real life lesson that comes from those relationships is “DONT WASTE TIME”
There needs to be a national Gay evaluation day: Unlike pride, which I dont care for, this needs to be a day where you get dressed in your finest and go out on the town to dinner as a couple to a nice restaurant. No clubs, no after parties. If your “boyfriend” refuses to acknowledge you in public, let his ass go that very night. A club aint public. His friends house party aint public. As we celebrate this “Close your butt cheeks week”, you will soon realize that you don’t need but 5-10 minutes with a man before you know whether or not he is worth the time. The more you can recognize counterfeit, the easier it will be to spot the real when it comes along.
I vote for the next “Ask be Scott” to be about something positive and uplifting about people in the gay community. How about:
“B.Scott, with so much negativity and lack of committment that seems to plague the gay community, are we really ready to walk into the realm of a legal marriages”
people keep trying to convince congress of something they themselves have yet to believe in.
Curvaceous
May 4, 2009 at 10:53 pm
Good responses all even noneyabiz. But it is the business of each partner, or at least wear protection with each and every partner please dude. Are We There Yet, you speak real truth. Do some gay people think that the right to marry will mean acceptance of gays, it wont necessarily. Be careful what you ask for.