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April 6, 2009 Ask B. Scott: Sexual Attraction
Hello to all my dear love muffins! Below is the response from yours truly to this week’s Ask B. Scott. Enjoy, and please share your thoughts! Remember to join our community and post your burning questions for me to answer. You know I give good advice! xoxo Sidebar: Don’t you just love the two sets of hairy legs above? (lol)
Question:
Hey B:
How do you know if you are truly over someone you are in love with? I’m currently in a relationship with a guy that I love a lot – he’s the sweetest guy, super nice, all my friends like him, and we get along as if we were the best of friends. However, when it comes to intimacy, it’s just not there for me. I mean don’t get me wrong, I can get off with him by him just being there, but for the most part I would rather take care of “business” myself. We haven’t had intercourse yet so we’ve just been messing around – not to mention I’ve slept around on him a couple times. The fact remains that I love him very much and he is an important part of my life.Do you think I need someone who I have more sexual chemistry with so I’m not always looking elsewhere, and constantly flirting? Fyi, I work in a gay bar which makes resisting temptation that much hard.
Thanks,
Marcus
B. Scott’s answer after the jump.
Answer:
Marcus, this is an interesting scenario that I think all too many people encounter in romantic relationships. Speaking for myself, I have to be fully sexually attracted to the person I’m romantically involved with. I believe that at times people are involved with others they’re not totally sexually attracted to, but love them, and confuse these feelings with sexual attraction.
When I’m in a romantic relationship with someone, the sexual desire really has to be there – I want to feel that urge to jump on them, and rip their clothes off (lol). I’m sure you have plenty of platonic friends, as do I. A relationship is more than just friends. They should inspire you on a higher level – sexually and mentally. My friends don’t do that.
Making love to someone is the most intimate way to express your love for that person, in my opinion – the highest expression of love. Make sure you make the distinction between caring for someone, and being sexually attracted to them. If the sexual attraction isn’t there, it’s okay – sometimes you have to be strong enough to end the relationship even though you love that person. Otherwise, not being totally satisfied with the person will lead to sleeping around – like what you’ve started already doing. This isn’t healthy. Chances are, if you’re not totally sexually attracted to him, he’s feeling it too, and this can really affect his self-esteem. It’s a lose-lose situation.
Note: Start racking your brains for those questions you’re dying to get advice on! In order to have your question answered, you must be registered and submit them via the community. Submit questions here. I will pick a question to answer every week
klei
April 6, 2009 at 6:54 pm
good advice B, but what’s with that pic? if i were sexually attracted to a person, then saw that much hair on them… it’s all over. they betta shave first!
I believe if anybody feels they have to cheat or look for sexual satisfaction elsewhere, then they should definitely not be in the relationship. End it before you look elsewhere… and talk to your partner abt it [b/c sometimes that may help and they might realize u need to see another side to them, or have them seriously rock your world to make u wanna jump them every second] before u end it.
Min.Mychaeltodd Robinson
April 6, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Marcus, stop being a tramp and settle your hot ass down!….you’ll end up with a bad testimony, you keep living and lying to your partner and your story will get ugly FAST!…. thats an honest word for you. Hey B, love ya we need to tell these children the truth!
tallandbald
April 6, 2009 at 7:30 pm
I believe Marcus already knew the answer to his question. Maybe Marcus is just looking for someone to justify his wrong actions(cheating). If you love someone, you should never have to wonder if the love is there. When it’s true love, each time you see one another it’s like a brand day and you can’t wait to see how it’s going to end! Temptation is everywhere, be something more than the trick who falls for anything. Love, although it may not last a lifetime, it worth holding on to it while you can.
Terri
April 6, 2009 at 7:45 pm
I agree that when you’re not sexually attracted to someone it will cause you to cheat. But I will tell you that the sexual attraction question has been one that I have pondered often. It’s always really hard when you meet someone that is sooo nice and has all their ducks in a row. You look at that person and know that they’d make a great partner, yet there is no spark. No zazazow! Then you meet the person who is just no dog on good, has sketchy morals and yet that is the one you want to slam you up against the wall and …. I digress ;-D Sometimes I really feel tempted to go for the one without as much attraction, just so I can have sanity and peace in my life. Although it is like eating a meal without seasoning.
Jewel
April 6, 2009 at 8:00 pm
B. Scott I feel you did a really good job in your reply. All I have to say is intimacy stands for “into me you see”. Being intimate with somoene allows them to see sides and corners of you and your soul that NO ONE else should see. Giving yourself to this other person is harming three people….
just think about the hearts and esteems you, yourself could be destroying
Margo
April 6, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Love what u said Mr. Scott
CaramelAquarius
April 6, 2009 at 9:03 pm
I have two things to say:
#1 I have been in the same situation but the difference between Marcus and I, is I did’nt cheat.. This person was sooo good to me, fulfilled every aspect of my life and loved my children but I was sooooo NOT sexually attracted to him. I cared for him so deeply but I did’nt want him to touch me and let him say it,to this day he thinks that I’m a person with a low sex drive but little does he know I am FAR FROM THAT! I love sex all the time but just not with him! Needless to say,I had to end it with him, no matter how much I cared for him or how good he was to me.Problem solved right there.
#2 Marcus needs to follow my advice above and please stop trying to justify his cheating ways. Nobody should be cheated on! No matter how unattracted u are to them. Everyone deserves respect especially someone that is treating u good! This man is good to u.He does’nt deserve that Marcus. Let him go so he can find someone that is sexually attracted to him. He deserves that! The fact that u work n a gay bar does not excuse u or justify your actions. Plain and simple u are just a big ole cheater!Temptaion is ALWAYS around! Dont use it as an excuse for your foul behavior.Sorry , just tellin it like it is!
Quintin
April 7, 2009 at 3:29 am
Men are bastards….
Ok. I take that back. But seriously, where is mr. right? (In the white house….)
AreWethereYET?
April 7, 2009 at 8:08 am
I think you spark lookers are going to end up in a world of trouble. Disney got ya’ll believing in bells and whistles and Princes and Happy endings. Have ya’ll been looking back over your lives so far? Life is not about what you want, cause 9 times outta 10, it doesnt go the way you planned anyway. A friend once told me the best way to determine if your partner is right for you is to imagine yourself 50 years from now eating jello on the front porch. Sex will not always be an option, especially as some of you age. We struggle with aging overall. I think a relationship that can exist on every level and only needs help in the “sex” dept is a much better gamble than fantastic sex with a man or woman who has nothing else going for them. I think a lack of sexual attraction may lie in a warped perception of what true beauty is. Not that you have to imagine your lover as someone else and I definitely do not advise cheating. Cheating has nothing to do with what your lover is not doing Marcus. You cheat because you’re selfish. You cheat because of YOU. How the hell you gonna say you have a good man and then blame him for you shacking up with every man that lights your fire? Maybe the problem starts with your job. You wanna be in the clubs, sweating, drinking and grinding you’re going to find yourself in someone elses bed. Still lonely and still lost. Grow up.
Its interesting that no one pointed out that you cheated and slept with someone who lit your “fire” yet, you didnt stay that person. Fires go out, honey. Stop thinking about your Dick and think about your heart and let the good man go. Not because it can’t work, but, your “Good Man” deserves better than you. I understand wanting someone who “gets it in” and gives it to you like no one else. It’s fleeting as far as real love is concerned. Real Love is something that isnt even in the same realm or category as a good sexual romp. Ultimately, stop looking for a solid relationship by interviewing people laying on your back. Years from now, when the pudge kicks in (assuming your body is decent) the wrinkles show, the hair falls out and you can’t get it up like you used to, the only “Fire” your gonna seek is the one that can never go out. Theres nothing like someone who loves you unconditionally and because most of you have never had that, you can’t appreciate it yet. That love, my friend, is in the heart of the man who loves you despite your shortcomings. Let it go and do him a favor and stay gone. I love B, but, mark my words. As he gets older, his opinions will shift. When youre in your 20’s, all you need is Good food and Good Dick and a stiff drink every now and again. Chasing careers and living it up like its Golden. How wild are we now compared to 16? 18? 21? 24? With time, we get better and become better people if we CHOOSE to. All you need to do is make a choice. Would you really give up a million dollars because youre not that good with money? Hell naw. Learn how to be a better man and you’ll understand sexually how to mate with a good one. A trick does just that: Tricks. Once you’re done with the smoke and mirrors…enjoy reality.
Rob
April 7, 2009 at 11:13 am
Arewethereyet, you put it down with that one. PREACH!
HypnotiqOne
April 7, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Marcus’s first question is “How do you know if you’re truly over someone you are in love with?” That tells me that he is already done with this “relationship.” Therefore, he should do us all a favor and let his boyfriend go so he can find someone much more deserving of his love and affection.
Secondly, Marcus’s problem is that he suffers from being “never satisfied.” He will ALWAYS be looking to see if the grass is greener on the other side. Especially, since he works in the nightlife.
Lastly, Marcus hasn’t even had sex with his boyfriend yet. Perhaps his boyfriend may have issues with HIM!? Perhaps he knows he’s dating a whore!? Marcus should be less egocentric and consider his partners needs/wants/desires.
And yes, B, every relationship needs sexual attraction, but people shouldn’t base their relationships on it. As AreWeThereYet clearly explains…it fizzles. It takes maturity to know and accept that. The ‘jumping of bones’ phase is more commonly referred to as the ‘honeymoon phase’ and it eventually passes. The problem with most gay men is that they believe that that means the RELATIONSHIP is over and so they go out and search for another conquest instead of sticking it out in the relationship.
But the moral of the story is that you will fail most every time if you base a real relationship on sex. That only works for whores.
B. Scott
April 7, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Can I get an Amen for “Good food and Good Dick and a stiff drink every now and again.” (lol) Love muffins please continue to give your opinions because we really do appreciate them, double kisses!
seanpaul
April 7, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Maybe u should tell him, that his friendship means more to you . and that u don’t wanna loose him as a friend
so its better just to be friends
mDavis
April 7, 2009 at 2:32 pm
I hear what youre saying AreWeThreYet – I really do, however, going back to what B said – I do beleive that there needs to be a chemistry there initially – down the road when everyone is broke down and not looking like a spring chicken, its natural to slow your role and evolve your relationship into something greater. However, having just ended a relationship due to sexual incompatability I can attest to how important it is to have that chemistry. I tried to wait it out, let it manifest itself organically and not put sex first – and if there is a roadblock there, it will always rear its ugly head, just like any other challenge in a relationship – sexual compatibility or otherwise. The best thing is to be honest and open and communicate and work things out if possible, if not – keep it moving. I didnt cheat like Marcus – but the situation does give you a whole knew appreciation for the term “mind fcuk”. LOL
I recognized the true beauty – but we must not undermine the importance of sexuality in a relationship – a healthy one – Im talkina bout mature adults, not people out for a quick fcuk.
Leo (of virgo_n_leo)
April 7, 2009 at 2:45 pm
this story kinda makes me sad cause my situation was the exact opposite i love the person i was with and he loved me but we had absolutely nothing in common and he loved me wayyyyyyy more than i loved him 2 b honest i think i was in like with him but the sex was AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!! it was a 10 all the way but i couldn’t stand him and just recently i had 2 do what B said n break it off but i think about him all the time… well maybe i just think about his ding ding and how im pissed that some1 else will b getting it other than me lol but B is always on point with the advise
Virgo (of virgo_n_leo)
April 7, 2009 at 2:47 pm
i agree 100% with what B said u have 2 know when 2 let go. this so reminds me of that Duffy song “Hanging on too Long”. Im happy 2 b a love muffin ^^
Jamar Herrod
April 7, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Lmao. I think your B was answer grand bro. He just needs to find someone who is sexually attracted to because that seems to be more of his focus.
D.Neal/Baby Dreamer
April 7, 2009 at 10:34 pm
I tottally agree wit you B!!!!
U give da best advise man!
lol….
WEll gotta go
Double Kisses “Muah,Muah”
Bye Bye =)
dolce nally
April 8, 2009 at 9:40 am
true beauty is inside not outside, and love is the same way. it is inside not outside so to me love is love doesent, matter what shape or color the package comes in when its love its love baby!!!!***att.dolce nally***
OH AND B YOU ROCK!!!
Scott
April 8, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Personally I have found that it’s really up to you on whether or not it is worth it to make the relationship work. You have to remember that we are men and we naturally have the sexual urge to constantly be satisfied sexually so it’s really not your fault. If it’s just that person that you are not sexually attracted to then I would say that is a huge problem and you should have a serious talk to him about it. Maybe you need to try new things or maybe he’s just not that good and fooling around, but he will be great with actual intercourse. My beau and I are great at fooling around, but are not the best at actual intercourse, but we make it work because we love each other so we try new things and we are constantly changing it up and are spontaneous with our sex life to keep it interesting and that works for us. Everyone is different and sometimes two people are just not that compatible sexually. I think a key for you would be to really evaluate who you are and the type of relationship you would like. Are you someone that can truly give yourself to one guy or are you someone that needs a little variety in your life? It fine to be either way you just need to find someone that views relationships the same as you do. I like to be smothered in relationships. I like my partner by my side as much as possible so I found someone that is the same way and it is absolute bliss! Good luck to you, I know it get monotonous and hard, but stick with it!
Marcus
April 17, 2009 at 4:04 am
No, I knew it was wrong. which is why I needed advice because I love him a lot but I gues I just knew he wasn’t doing it for me sexually..Yah it was wrong and I ended it with him but luckily we are still friends..and thanks B. I will take your advice and no more sleeping around
Dixie Normous
April 20, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Baby gone on head and keep getting your hambuger meat from other men and let that man go and find he somebody he can excite sexually. That’s all!
Ebony
April 21, 2009 at 4:50 pm
from a married woman’s perspective…
i had dated all kinds of guys. my husband is not someone that i would have given a second thought to (lookswise), but when i got to know him and his heart, that’s when the love came in. we have been married now for 5 years and have a 2-year old daughter. when i think about all of the things that he does for me and his little girl, just to put smiles on our faces, it makes me love him even more!! looks fade, but feelings of the heart never do…
and he is so handsome to ME!! i know that there is noone in the world (not even the finest man on Earth) to make me stray. cause there’s nothing out there better than him.
real talk…
i think about all of my single girlfriends who are looking for a man but can’t seem to get past the superficial things that don’t matter, like how tall someone is or how good they look….what matters is how they treat you!
Kyle James
April 27, 2009 at 3:33 am
I loved your comment Ebony! keeping it real
henry
June 8, 2009 at 6:27 pm
i u trully lov him,u must mke that firm decision of not flirting AROUND.