New York saw a Jesus of cocoa
That angered folks no end, don’t you know?
Then came a sculpted Barack in Chicago
That looked like the one we know used to do blow
But it was just papier-maché of a man named Obama
Who won’t ever win while his name rhymes with Osama

Someone asked me if this column was going to about celebrity as the new religion—or about the religious beliefs of celebrities.

Why not both?

Assume for a moment that people like Jesus or Allah or Buddha might just as well be thought of as, say, The Biggest Celebrity In The Culture or The World’s Most Influential Being (a WMIB. It is all about impact now, isn’t it?)

When it comes to having power, Madonna, of course, quickly leaps to mind. Very few superstars have ever attained such a long, consistent degree of idolization by the masses. Her iconic status has etched her indelibly into the pop-culture canon.

She also has a huge … influence, the global popularity of a rather obsessed fan base, and good abs. (All very Jesus-like.) Plus she’s got total brand-name recognition. McDonald’s. Madonna. Marlboro. Mercedes. She’s right there. And obviously, if you can do it with just one name, you’ve more or less “arrived.” (Halston, Gucci, Liberace, Prince.)

So, could we consider Madonna the modern-day version of a new Jesus? She certainly gets as much ink and face time as Nazareth’s most well known carpenter. (And her own line with H&M: ka-triple-ching!)

Chances are that if you’re reading this on Easter Sunday instead of being in church, you worship at the altar of Madonna as easily as you worship at any other altar. (Chances are if you’re reading this at all, it’s a safe bet celebrity is your religion.)

Madonna even had an affair with Jesus in one of her videos. And didn’t she also get with Willem Dafoe, who played JC? Surely, there’s more than coincidence going on here.

What about other possible celebrities-of-worship? Depending on your affiliations or persuasions, you might include: Elvis, James Dean, or John Lennon (who all died young—very Jesus-like). Some people might put Justin Timberlake, Johnny Depp, or Diddy on their lists.

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Whatever your pleasure, let’s indulge our fancies for a sec and consider Hillary Clinton as the new Jesus. It’s Easter–if you can believe in the transubstantiation of the bread and wine into the actual body and blood of Christ, Lord knows you can believe that gender-based roles are getting more blurred every day, so why not a woman as the new Christ, or the new American president?

Your own personal Jesus, right?

Speaking of politics, there’s not a candidate out there who isn’t closely associated with religion. Senator Obama claims that “kneeling beneath that cross … I felt God’s spirit beckoning me. I submitted myself to His will, and dedicated myself to discovering His truth.”

Whatever blows your hair back, Barack.

Then of course there’s Hillary herself, a “church-going Methodist” who “prays regularly.” Methodist? Methodists are just Catholics who can’t really be bothered with all the ceremony and guilt.

And there’s the converted Mormon, Mitt Romney. Switching to mainstream Mormonism (without the bonus of polygamy) is just plain weird. And how can you join a religion that believes Jesus hung out in the United States? As if Jesus wouldn’t have been too busy having panic attacks if he ever saw what really goes on here… But what kind of ride would Jesus have sported? And who’d have been in his top five?

Or take Rudy Giuliani, the cross-dressing “Catholic” who’s been divorced twice (a total Catholic no-no), and who used to advocate a woman’s choice to an abortion and gay rights (also both anathema to Catholics) before he decided to rely on the support of the red states, who want him to overturn Roe v. Wade.

Are these people the new “idols?” We worship them so much we give them our money, we make a point of rooting for them, we identify ourselves by pledging our allegiance to them, and then we blame them for everything when shit goes wrong.

And all this without a word about our Born-Again leader. OK, one word: moron.

Madonna, Elvis, The Beatles—maybe any of them could lay claim to The World’s Most Influential Being title. And we all know what trouble John caused when he said “The Beatles were more popular than Jesus.”

In any case, their tunes were way catchier than anything Jesus said in all his sermons. Granted, the “turn the other cheek thing” is pretty memorable, but compared to “Can’t Buy Me Love?” or “I Am The Walrus?” I just want you to consider what you value this Easter Sunday.